My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
You Might Also Like
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.