we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
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The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Finally, an instrument I can play!
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.