Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
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Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
😂💯
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty