I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
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Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!