Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
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A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
me as a parent
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?