“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
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if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.