Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
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Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
i did the math
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭