If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
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Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
my dad when a sex scene comes on
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters