No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
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Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.