Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
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Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills