Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
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bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
What if the weather talks about us?
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
There are usually two types of merchants.
Smells like a challenge to me
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.