Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
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Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
I’m just playing devils avocado here
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast