[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
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Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
finally
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.