Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
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We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Dune (2021)
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
I’m pretty like a car crash.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
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