[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
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[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
time for some seasonal decor
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows