[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
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My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Need WebMD
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.