I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
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Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!