*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
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Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith: