The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
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Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
How I like cutting carbs
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.