Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
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[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
She was REALLY feeling it.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.