Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
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The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
When you’re Kinky but poor
LMAO
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.