Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
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*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome