lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
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Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Name this drama.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Every work meeting this week
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle