Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
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When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
The days of good grammer has went
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*