Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
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This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.