“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
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People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
There’s only one good girl here!
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st