If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
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Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
From my Mom
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds