9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
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My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.