Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
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Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well