Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
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When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.