“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
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Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.