[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
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GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
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Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.