Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
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I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
the prophecy has been fulfilled
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”