An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
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Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Birds & Planes.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Straight people are cancelled
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”