Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
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I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
The sacred texts.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.