Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
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Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Very good news from my accountant
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.