*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
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gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
LOOOOOOL
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?