Feels like the fourth month in January
You Might Also Like
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.