[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
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Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.