[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
You Might Also Like
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
is this meant to deter me
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim