My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
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I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
best review i’ve ever seen
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
o shit
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..