When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
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I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.