passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
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anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
The Joker was right
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor