4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
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Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes