ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
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Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
I am crying