AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
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Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Florida man
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?