The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
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Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.