I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
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Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.