Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
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I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.