Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
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are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.